It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
