If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
I did not marry a roomba.
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