They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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