Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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