We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
