I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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