You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
