WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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