I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
