and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
