I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
