I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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