My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
