and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
