Ambien. No doubt about it.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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