Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize