you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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