No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize