Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize