sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
