soooo we both peed the bed last night...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
