Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
