He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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