No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
