Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Someone shattered a urinal.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
