I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
