can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
