Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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