I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
