i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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