Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Dicks are not precious.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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