dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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