got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
