he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
