He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
