on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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