remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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