1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
