I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
