bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
