I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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