i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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