Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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