i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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