Nicole vs. Life
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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