There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize