I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
