alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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