this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
