it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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