My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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