I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize