so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
