The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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