i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
