My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
