listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
