Little spoons don't ask big questions
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
