God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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