Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We don't watch enough power rangers
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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