Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
