I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
not ubering you a puppy
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
