i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
