Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
